Creep

"I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul."

Disregard this.

-start rant-

Why must some people be skinnier than others?
Why must some people have really slim upper bodies but curvier lower bodies?
Or vice versa (is "vice versa" Latin, by the way...?)
It's just so disproportional!
And anorexia videos are so so sad, especially combined with really moving music.
It can really make you cry.
Have you ever felt like you could just eat and eat and eat and you're not even hungry?
Like a music binge or chat binge, but instead it's a food binge?
You're just bored, or rummaging around your kitchen for anything, something, but there's nothing good to eat anyway.
And after you eat something salty, you have to counter-balance it with something sweet, to neutralise it, so you just end up eating more and it's a cycle and you start to wonder, "Well, what if I just threw up?"
But then the thought of sticking your fingers down your throat and puking seems too gross and revolting to actually do, and that would probably mark you as a bulimic, so you don't.
And then you heat up that disgusting Campbell's Condensed Soup with Spongebob Squarepants noodles in it, but you add too much water and then dump it down the drain, but place the dirty bowl in the sink so it would look like you ate it, but you really didn't.
So this post basically has alot of run-on sentences and bad grammar and whatnot, but who cares?
It's hard being a grammar&spelling Nazi.
So you're walking home from school, really determined that you're just going to WORK when you get home. On homework.
And so you do, but then you're supposed to be working on debate speeches and researching topics.
Instead, you go on Polyvore and make a whole bunch of secret sets and favourite everybody's stuff and also chat with people.
But finally you focus and manage to write a few outlines. Whew.
So after dinner, you call your best friend and you can talk about anything, and you start talking about pregnancy, and teen pregnancy and you feel so bad for those teen mums with a kid...
Put them up for adoption, keep it, or... -gasp- Shall I say abortion?
Of course not the latter, but your friend thinks so.
And adoption instead of having kids in the future because she doesn't want to pass her skin disease to her kids... that's probably for the best.
Somehow the conversation moves to how there are mice in your friend's house and how she hate mice, she wants to kill them all viciously.
And creepy Edgar Allan Poe stories, disappearing lineages, and incest.
"Do you realise that if everyone just adopted kids, your lineage/family would disppear?"
What if you're dying to see what's it's like to be an anoretic, even though you know everything about the disease and that it's really self-destructing?
What if you feel like your brain's going to explode with all the things you have to do?
What if you hate looking at yourself because you look weird...?
What if you're nervous about finally going back into debate and giving speeches in front of 20-30 people again?
What if your friend's boyfriend just gave her a dozen roses, and he's usually a really pessimistic, cynical guy? It's just so nauseatingly cute and then you want to pretend it never happened 'cause you can't imagine someone like that doing something so romantic and... nice.
What if you're really hoping for a special visit?
What if you see people hugging and holding hands and wish they'd realise how lucky they are that they're together, right there? Not separated by miles and miles or oceans? :p
What if you feel like you're leading a double life occasionally, with being happy at school but then so messed-up and having dangerous thoughts when you're alone? "Thoughtcrime IS death."
What if you sneaked the phone out of the house to call someone, but then you realise that your dad might be starting a telephone conference so you can't use the phone?
What if...............................................?

-end rant-



I want her hair.

Dying to be thin

WARNING: There's one "disturbing" photo at the end... you've been warned!


(

^I want to see the documentary soooo badly...!!!)



(One of my favourites!!)

Main Entry: an·orex·ia
Pronunciation: \ˌa-nə-ˈrek-sē-ə, -ˈrek-shə\

Function: noun

Etymology: New Latin, from Greek, from a- + orexis appetite, from oregein

Date: 1598

1 : loss of appetite especially when prolonged
2 : anorexia nervosa

Back into a binge of anorexia and eating disorder books.
It's addictive, really.
Once you start, it's like down the rabbit hole, and you can't stop.
By the way, Alice is popping up everywhere! I love it.
I watched Phoebe in Wonderland recently, and right from the beginning I knew I was going to LOVE it. It can only be compared to Marie Antoinette in terms of prettyness :D
So in "Wasted" (this biography of an anorexic), the author clips in quotes from Alice in Wonderland. It's quite good so far, and I think it's supposed to be the quintessential anorexia biography book? Ish?

Music playing in my world...

["Your Song" ~Moulin Rouge soundtrack
"All Is Love" ~Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack
"Courage" and "Beauty From Pain" ~Superchick
"First Days Of Spring" ~Noah and the Whale
"Fix You" ~Coldplay (I've been listening to alot of their old stuff... it's quite good.]

I don't know why, but the more I find out about eating disorders, the more I want to try it (my friend says that sounds like trying drugs...). Kind of kidding, of course. But do you ever feel so... self-conscious while reading eating disorder books? I love them anyway... I certainly know eating disorders are very harmful and dangerous, and seriously kills people... Very seriouse mental disorder, anyways. I feel like I'm been researching them since forever (I started in middle school) and know alot about them, but there's always more to read/discover. But... well, I have two anorexics-in-training (jk! they're just naturally skinny!). It annoys me when people call me anorexic though, because I'm obviously NOT. It's easy to neglect eating sometimes, yeaaah...?

Do you ever feel fat?



^From a video campaign against eating disorders... it's quite sad. I have it under my YouTube favourites, I think...